I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Randomize
