i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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