We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
