no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
