My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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