Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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