After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Randomize
