Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
