Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
