thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
