I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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