If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
