Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Do thigh high boots and a ball gag count as a costume?
Randomize
