Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
