I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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