I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
someone owes me an orgasm
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
