What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
