I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Randomize
