You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
