In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
