Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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