You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
