Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
