I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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