Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
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