sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
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It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
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Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
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