Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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