I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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