Apparently you make a good broom.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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