i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
