I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
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