8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
