420 ftw
is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Randomize
