The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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