I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
