He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning