You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
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I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
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I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her