I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
