I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Randomize
