He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
