glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I think I won the penis lottery.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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