Sober January is a disaster.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
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