Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
