Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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