My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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