I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
