I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
the raccoons are back...
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