I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
