i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Randomize
