Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
