the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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