I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.
Feel free to use me as a reference.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
