If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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