I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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