If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Randomize
