i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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