she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
