The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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